Sem Eye: Sexy and orthodox

If only we were making this up...

Weblogger Carla Rolfe has a message: "Emergent NO!"

She displays it on hats, t-shirts, mugs, and more, all for sale at her website. It's a battle-cry for traditional evangelicals everywhere who are sick of reading "sexually repugnant filth" because, according to Rolfe and her many followers, "this is what 'an authentic (emergent) journey' reads like, apparently." Emergent NO! is even copyrighted and prooftexted for all to see.

Rolfe does not stop with anti-emergentism, though. This champion of traditionalism has gone beyond mere weblogging to present a whole line of safe and sane evangelical gifts. Highlights include shirts proclaiming "Pro-Conservation: Save Our Hymnals." Surprisingly, Greenpeace has yet to join the fight to protect innocent, endangered in hymns written in impossible keys. Don't worry, though, just drink away your sorrows with a 22 ounce beer stein bearing Martin Luther's likeness and a cheerful "Happy Reformation Day."

With such a bounty of products to choose from, one would expect to spend hours poring over Rolfe's catalog, but why? One item stands out so clearly above the rest that I expect it will find its way under little Dutch Christmas trees across the Iowa plains for years to come. That item is, of course, the TULIP camisole.

This teeny cami packs a theological wallop with the Five Points of Calvinism from the Canons of Dort laid out for all the world to ogle. What better way to proclaim one's total depravity that with a "body-hugging close contoured fit?" Sure, the sizing guide recommends moving up to a looser fit, but that only diminishes the poignancy of having our dearest Reformed doctrines stretched tight across one's bosom!

Best of all, the TULIP camisole is versatile, as the website explains: "Comfort and style come together with our sexy cami. The thin fabric is a great way to beat the summer heat or for winter layering without looking bulky. Pair it with our thong as an easy, breezy summer sleep set." Sexy and orthodox! Those two go together like election and reprobation!

Also available is the TULIP Jr. Babydoll T-shirt, ("Turn heads in this hot, hip, curve-hugging tee!"), which reprints our beloved doctrines on the back, too, allowing one to ponder just how limited atonement might really be as you watch one of our covenant children sashay her way from catechism class straight to the club.

Seminarians are already lining up to grab their copies. One third-year M.Div. student (speaking on condition of anonymity) gushed, "I'm just so relieved that I have a way of drawing people's attention to my theological positions as I prepare to candidate in the CRCNA."

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