Sem Eye: Where the rubber meets the sand

"Footprints" takes on new meaning

We all know evangelism is hard work. But what if we took a new approach where our beloved house-of-horrors comic books and Left Behind blockbuster motion pictures have failed? What if we could retire our tattered “The End is Nigh” sandwich boards and stop screaming incoherently at rushed passersby on their way to work and proclaim the good word in a sunnier locale? It’s time to take our outreach where it belongs: the beach!

Consider this entirely plausible (and entirely made-up) scenario: “In search of answers to the many questions of life, I took a stroll along the beach. Suddenly I came upon the most awesome scene! There, before my very eyes suddenly appeared sandal prints of various sizes with words inside of them! Some appeared to be in straight small paths, others skipped around, some were running in circles while others danced around!

“Being curious and in search of answers I read the simple message in the sandal prints! They all said the same thing - JESUS LOVES YOU! ‘Who is this JESUS who loves so many people?’ I silently asked.

“Suddenly a family appeared running playfully chasing one another and laughing merrily. As they came towards me I could see they were a part of the group whose sandal prints had called to me! So I asked them, ‘Who is this JESUS who loves you, and will he love me too?’ They happily replied, ‘Yes!’ Now I know this JESUS too!”

This story comes to us from the fine folks at Shoes of the Fisherman. On the one hand it is completely fictional. But on the other foot it says “JESUS.” I think you see my point. Some situations call for us to speak our faith. Others demand that we walk the Christian walk. Discerning which is which is hard, and that’s where these theophilic thongs (compare at $80) come in. Laying tracks in your new plush podiatric pleasures couldn’t be easier. Even when some radical reprobate starts chasing you down the beach with an aggressively-wielded sun umbrella, you can take comfort in the words of hope you leave behind as you beat your hasty retreat. Satisfied customers have even reported a marked (and possibly miraculous) decrease in toenail fungus within days of donning their new slip-ons.

“Jesus Loves You” sandals are only the beginning for these purveyors of holy footwear. Also for sale are “Jesus Loves You” sunglasses, guaranteed to save souls as well as eyesight with UVA, UVB, and R-rated eye protection. Wear them on the way to the theater for safe driving and keep them on inside to censor profane subtitles, blur nudity, and black out entirely during scenes of intense violence. As the website boldly proclaims, these Lennon-style sunglasses will let you “terminate the devil”…with style! Also in the works are “Jesus Loves You” boots for those pesky cold-weather heathens.

SemEye does have one suggestion for our footwear-producing friends: why not ape those secular sandal-sellers who put bottle openers in the soles of their flip-flops and add a corkscrew to these stylish shoes? Imagine converting a sinner down by the beach of Grand Haven, baptizing her at dusk in a 54-degree Lake Michigan, and then serving sandy wafers and communion wine as the sun sets on her former life of sin? Now that’s a conversion to write home about!

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