Sem Eye: Money, money, money!

Few things have the potential to tear a church apart like a budget crisis. As future pastors we seminarians are particularly vulnerable to the fickle whims of selfish parishioners, especially as the impending winter brings with it the promise of rising heating costs. How can you keep your flock’s cash out of their exorbitantly warm 67-degree homes and put it in the offering plate where it belongs? The answer, of course, is marketing.

Now I recognize that we can’t all afford our own 3 am TV specials, and some congregations still will not allow power point presentations showing the pastor’s children wearing homemade shoes and begging for spare change to buy communion supplies. The savvy preacher therefore needs to develop new ways to reach those reluctant givers just as they reach for their overstuffed wallets and Prada purses. SemEye offers, for your consideration, the single most potent weapon ever developed in the war on congregational greed: the brightly-colored, proof-text-proven, offering envelope.

Christianbooks.com has envelopes available in several strengths ranging from slightly stingy to downright Dutch. We recommend beginning with something subtle and saving the big guns for that upcoming building project. If you play your cards right that project could just cease to be a gymnasium and become your new six-bedroom/four bath, marble-floored parsonage!

Warming up the wallets: “God loves a cheerful giver” 2 Corinthians 9:7 Sunny yellow flowers and an uplifting message let your little angels feel like they’re helping you grow a garden and a church. Best for use in young church plants.

Just a little pressure: “Freely you have received, freely give.” There’s nothing a hard-working man or woman likes more than showing up Sunday morning and being reminded that it wasn’t those forty hours of backbreaking labor that earned them their rent money. Just being able to carry those forty-pound packs of shingles up a ladder was a gift of grace. The least they can do is return some of their ill-gotten gains to God’s house.

Pulling out the big guns: “Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously also reaps generously” 2 Corinthians 9:6. Congregations, like the eldery, tend to get tight with their money as they get older. The harvest scene on this envelope makes it a perfect choice for rural congregations, especially when paired with a sermon on the devouring locust. Be sure to remind everyone that the sagging choir loft can’t afford to wait until this year’s subsidy checks to come in for those repairs!

Golf season’s coming up: “Pastor’s Appreciation Day” No Scripture needed here. Sometimes the long-suffering pastor just has to have a new three-wood to keep her spirit up. Let the congregation know you have not been feeling their love and admiration lately, and remember to act surprised when you see the first checks come rolling in. You can always place the origin of these envelopes on your loving deacons.

Remember folks, money is the root of all evil, and as a pastor it is your job to keep your parishioners as far away from evil as possible!

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