Sem Eye: Sugarcoating the Christmas story

Please don't roast the Holy Family

(Editor's note: In anticipation of Christmas, this month's Sem Eye features Christmas shopping ideas.)

Ladies and gentlemen, ‘tis the season to shop for Jesus. In its brief existence, Sem Eye has consistently been impressed the creativity and candor with which the evangelical world shows its faith, screen-printing its belief in Jesus on every conceivable textile. As Christmas approaches we hope you have found inspiration aplenty to stuff that space beneath the tree full of faith reminders. Christmas is about more than buying each other clever t-shirts knocking off secular designers, though. When you gather with your family this holiday season we hope the room will be filled with both holy presents and the holy presence — the kind of holy presence that only comes with a truly great nativity scene.

Now I know we are all quite attached to that half-painted, cracked-clay, utterly indecipherable nativity scene little Allison made in her kindergarten art class last year, (thank you, Christian day schools!), but let’s face it: Jesus is sick of being portrayed as an amorphous blob of modeling clay, newly born yet already twice the size of his parents, and nestled snugly in a cut-up egg carton. Even the sheep (that’s the half-orange, half-green one with the broken appendage from last year’s run-in with the cat) looks more like a newborn king than the Messiah. Come on, people, we’re talking about the incarnation here!

So this year don’t settle for a second-best nativity set. Get one that reminds everyone gathered about the true meaning behind the shiny paper-wrapped parcels and two-week break from school. Get one that shows artisanship and inspiration appropriate for remembering this momentous event. Get one made out of smiling marshmallows.

The S’more Nativity set really speaks for itself. 5½-inch marshmallow Mary stands with open arms while Joseph watches over the finest beard ever grown by a being made entirely out of gelatin and sugar. Baby Jesus lies on a bed of chocolate on the graham cracker floor of the stable, white as driven snow in his innocence and completely unaware of the impending flames which will roast but not destroy him. Neither hell nor campfire will destroy this little lamb; they’ll only make him taste all the sweeter.

My only concern is the inevitable creeping in of secularism to our sacred holiday. Stop for a moment and look closely at the blessed virgin. Notice anything odd? Her arms are made from twigs, hardly part of the traditional s’more, and her face appears to be cast from carrots and coal, giving the impression that we are beholding Frosty the marshmallow, snow-mother of God! Do not fret, though, dear friends, the faces can be sanded off in a matter of minutes with a bit of aluminum oxide sandpaper and re-drawn with magic marker. Just don’t let little Allison do the drawing. It was her lack of reverence and artistic talent that got us into this mess in the first place!

Oh, and all marshmallows used in the S’more Nativity are kosher, abhorring the use of commercial, non-fish based gelatin as non-kosher (in keeping with traditional Jewish purity laws).

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