Sem Eye: The birth of Christ and kitsch

Ah Christmas, that magical time of year when the sound of crisp tens and twenties filling offering plates once more saves our churches from budget failure. Don’t forget to save a few bucks for yourself, though, lest you be caught on Christmas morn without these holiday essentials:

“May the love of Christ be with our troops”

Christmas time is here and many American men and women remain in harm’s way in Iraq. It’s good to know that at least one brave soldier over there is risking his life in service for that blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby boy from Bethlehem. Yes, the U.S. armed forces need to learn Christ’s love just as much as the rest of us. This 3” collectible ornament will remind Private DeVries to turn the other cheek and aim for heart at the same time. It’s Christmas in Fallujah!

“Totus Tuus”

Pope John Paul II may have been called home but his spirit remains in this realm thanks to this new collectible ornament! The journey to sainthood appears to have robbed Peter’s heir of his pigmentation but his holiness remains intact as he hangs peacefully from a pine bough perch. JPII may look a bit ghastly, but if he were really a zombie would the succulent and slightly panicky girl in his arms still be intact? Of course not! Then again, what happened to her legs…?

"Chris[t] Kringle"?

Finally we come to the capstone of this holiday edition of SemEye. After years of nasty infighting it seems the twin titans of Christmas spirit, Jesus and Santa Claus, have finally agreed to work together to sell $50.00 figurines.

O Come All Ye Faithful emanates from a concealed microchip and the newborn savior stares into Santa’s crinkled eyes and promises forgiveness. All Santa has to do is bring some worthy sacrifice to the manger. Can he do it? YES! St. Nick comes through in the clutch and offers his king a gift worthy of the Messiah. No gold, frankincense or myrrh here. No little drum solo will appease this new king. Santa instead offers Jesus the first fruits of his North Pole workshop, the very first teddy bear. Tiny outstretched arms offer forgiveness in return for penance made in plush form, and Chris Kringle buys his way into the kingdom of heaven with a toy made for pennies in a Malaysian sweatshop.

Now that’s the true spirit of Christmas.

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