Sem Eye: Fashion tips for ugly pastors

Once up on a time, in his younger days, your dear Sem Eye correspondent began an internship at a liturgically conservative local church. An idealistic sort, I strode confidently down the aisle to take my place at the head of the large congregation, confident in my new alb and flowing head of luscious curly locks. After the service I stood smiling at the rear of the sanctuary shaking hands with our parishioners. I was particularly touched when one member, a former professor at this very institution, clasped my hand and told me with great sincerity how glad she was to “see anyone with a ponytail in the pulpit at this church; I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman!”

Not every member was so accepting of my upper story glory, however. It turns out many in attendance did not consider my appearance appropriate for church leadership. Flummoxed, and lacking anyone to guide me through the crisis, I vacillated over submission to the shears of conformity. If only I had known about the Reverend Victoria Weinstein, a Unitarian Universalist minister who has taken on the mantle of mantle discernment for pastors everywhere. Rev. Weinstein’s blog, PeaceBang’s Beauty Tips For Ministers, proudly declares that it exists “because you’re in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.”

The Rev. Victoria Weinstein

Back to my dilemma. Weinstein tackled my very issue this week, too late to help me but easily in time to save other gorgeous young gents from the terror of the barbershop. Here’s her advice:

“If your hair is long and you feel a slight intuition that it might be a wee bit scraggly or unkempt, just go to a good stylist and say, "I would like to have long hair and be handsome and fabulous in a way that communicates the vitality and relevancy of the contemporary church. Could you arrange that, please?"

“And they will."

“It's a good idea to find a long-haired male mentor, someone whose look you admire, and take a photo of that person (anonymous model, Benjamin Franklin, etc.) with you to the salon."

“Joseph, do not fear the Salon Visit. You need only go once or twice to get your look together, and after that you'll do fine at the regular old inexpensive chop shop.

“Oh, and Joseph... please don't choose Keith Urban as your long-haired man mentor. His look doesn't so much communicate beauty, vitality and charisma as Serious Commitment To Bleach and Foils.

“One last thing, Joseph, if you wear a ponytail, can you make sure to still brush your hair? Even if it's pulled back, it should still look neat and clean.

“P.S. If you occasionally spray your hair into place I will never, ever tell anyone. And it's okay.”

Handsome and fabulous, vital and relevant, and contemporary to boot? Ben Franklin trumping pop country pretty boy Keith Urban? This is beautiful advice for beautiful men. Rev. Weinstein does not stop there, however. Her advice ranges across the length and breadth of ministerial fashion. Whether discussing the necessity of a hip length khaki trench coat for the female clergy wardrobe, pedicures for the lads, or the advantages of a very sexy herbal tea for hydration, she delivers her advice with clarity, wit, and effusive prose.

To truly appreciate Weinstein’s insight one must see her in live action. After last week’s “Preaching Idol” her thoughts on the “harmonic convergence, new age…earth mother goddess” look appears particularly relevant. She also tackles such fashion offenders as “gender ambiguous liturgy dude” and the benefits of rolled sleeves for conveying an air of hard work. Also up for discussion is the possible secret teaching of facial hair at seminaries, (perhaps as part of a broader, emergent rule of life), and poultry-replicating handbags.

Finally, as summer approaches, dear reader, remember this one rule: just because Jesus wore sandals doesn’t mean you can.

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