Sem Eye: Flirt to convert

“Hello, my name is Tamara! As you can probably tell, I'm a Christian woman who loves Jesus Christ and cares for all humans, even the wicked. What you probably don't know is that I'm hot. My picture below isn't really that good. I want to use my beauty for GOD, and want to encourage Christian women (my sisters in Christ) to do the same, according to the Great Commission.”

Tamara, Tamara, Tamara, what are you doing to me? How could anyone miss your heavenly hotness? I don’t understand, though; to what use are you putting your dazzling appearance today? As I mulled these questions over my eyes finally drifted away from Tamara’s steamy pictures, (who doesn’t love a girl apparently huffing something out of a Ziploc bag?), and upwards to the title of her web-based dating service, “Flirt to Convert: Matchmaking with a Higher Calling.” In an instant a blinding vision of budding romance turned to ash in my mind, for I have a fatal flaw Tamara could never forgive: I already share her heart’s deepest religious convictions. Never have I more fervently wished I were damned.

Flirt to Convert is a offshoot of the “Date to Save” movement. The basic premise is evangelical-Reformed down to its very marrow: use the beauty of the booty your divine daddy gave you to proclaim some very good news to the unbelievers of the world, starting with its club scene. Starting out is, presumably, easy enough: head down to the seediest local watering hole you dare enter (remember Daniel and the lions!) and set yourself down alongside the least coherent hottie in the place. Converse. Flirt. Offer to take your lucky mark someplace a little quieter and then sit provocatively yet chastely on the church steps until dawn brings Sunday morning and the strains of a gospel choir. Shove your hung-over honey up to the front when the altar call begins, rinse him in the baptismal font, and repeat. If you want a little help with the first step you can sign up for Tamara’s matchmaking service. To avoid coming across as narrow-minded Tamara lets you sign up to convert or be converted to any major world religion, even atheism, and allows you to date only the already married.

Unfortunately dating those not brought up on Elisabeth Elliot comes with a certain degree of risk. At some point you may find yourself in a compromising situation and need a pithy avenue out. Still, nothing is less of a turn-on in missionary dating than a holier-than-thou attitude. Tamara offers a few pointers. “If (your budding beau) wants to hold your hand…give him a Bible!” If he tries to kiss you, “remind him that a kiss killed your Savior,” and “mention that you’re not ready to ‘speak in tongues’” just yet. Even better, “if he gets angry that you won’t put out…clarify to him that WWJD does not mean ‘who would Jesus do?’”

Tamara also fields questions from her adoring fans concerning the Bible’s admonition against being “yoked with unbelievers” and appropriate dating circles. On the yoking count she simply points out that yoking means “‘a crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together.’ I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date…” And as to who to date she points out Jesus’ command to reach the outermost parts of the world, but makes very clear that she will not be flying to Kenya “to date some guy who eats worms.” Xenophobic? Maybe. But do you really want to not be kissing someone with Annelida on his breath?

Finally, Tamara has begun producing her own line of missionary dating propaganda, replete with t-shirts, coffee mugs, apparel for dogs(?!), and of course, the ubiquitous thong: “Toss these message panties onstage at your favorite rock star or share a surprise message with someone special ... Later!”

To contact Tamara or one of her many fine co-workers in evangelistic foreplay log on today at www.flirttoconvert.com. Tips and tricks are available at www.datetosave.com, and the thong can be purchased for $12.99 at Cafépress. Until next time, this is SemEye, wishing you happy hunting!

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