Elegy for a Saint

SemEye for the Evangelical Guy

by No One at All

In light of Mr. Van Denend’s call to recognize saints, Ms. Jenista’s cries for catholic unity within the church,and Mr. Bork’s scathing critique of the Empire of Global Consumerism in this Kerux edition, it seemed only appropriate that we offer for your consideration this fitting tribute to the life and death of a true hero of the Christian faith.

Saint Sebastian lived in the shadow cast over all Rome by the throne of Diocletian. A captain of the Praetorian Guard, Sebastian encouraged Christian martyrs-to-bethrough the dark nights before their execution, andm any who came to beg the captives under his guard to apostatize were actually converted themselves.

Eventually Sebastian brought his local prefect to Christ and all Christian captives in the region were released. For his betrayal, a royally annoyed Diocletian ordered Sebastian “…to be led to the field and there to be bounden to a stake for to be shot at. And the archers shot at him till he was as full of arrows as an urchin is full of pricks.”

Even this brutal perforation, however, failed to stop Sebastian’s evangelism. He was found stuffed with arrows but still alive and from his hospital bed restored a blind girl’s sight. Sebastian’s final act was to drag himself to the doorway of the hospital and taunt Diocletian as he passed by, earning himself a second death sentence, this time by beating.

This is only a brief account of a story that has touched millions and inspired countless tributes. Sebastian is patron saint of soldiers, athletes, the gay community, and Rio deJaneiro. Even more impressive, a saint has truly made it big when his or her story finds a home in the popular culture, as Sebastian’s has in literature (Flannery O’Connor’s Everything that Rises Must Coverge and George Orwell‘s 1984) on television (in multiple episodes of The Simpsons) and in music (videos for the Cranberries’ “Zombie” and REM’s “Losing My Religion” depict his plight). What else could possibly be done tohonor such a life? Read on, dear friends…

Behold! Still upright, unharmed and alive as ever a plush figurine was, Saint Sebastiannow stands watch over a new flock of faithful followers: the seamsters and seamstresses. Yes, it’s true: available now, for the first time, is the Saint Sebastian pin cushion. Repletewith brightly colored pins (the better to capture the gaily decorated fletches of the RomanLegion) and a beatific expression of peace this is the perfect gift for the Orthodox, Roman Catholic,or Voodoo practitioner in your family! And whileSebastian’s fiery orange hair may not be historical it certainly matches the martyr‘s rash refusal to kowtow to the forces of oppression. What suburban housewife bent over her Singer couldn’t use a flash of defiance now and then?

Rush out to your local sewing supply shop and then straight home again, because the Saint Sebastian pincushion is only available online. Get yours for just $12.95 at http://www.philosophersguild.com/

Each week SemEye strives to bring you the best of the worst in evangelical merchandising. Have an idea for SemEye? Submit it to letters@kerux.org.

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