Kerux: a portfolio of Calvin Theological Seminary - Volume 42.7 - 20 Dec 2007

The Sweetest Thing

The Quest for Candy in the Corridors of CTS

by K.C. Vande Streek, Contributing Editor

I was talking with Amy Vander Slik the other day while helping myself to some Smarties from her candy jar. Many of us wander past her office in the hallway and partake of the various forms of sugar that she so generously offers. "Generously" isn’t an overstatement either, as she confessed to spending $20 a month in order to stay stocked. This must be, in part, due to Amy’s office being in a "high-traffic" area. All of this got me to thinking: "How many other candy jars are there at CTS, and which ones are the best?" The following is what I’ve discovered and I am passing it on to you with the hope that it will help pacify your sweet tooth. Be sure to say "please" and "thanks" when you partake of other people’s gifts (sorry, but I had to channel my mom there for a second).

Before we get started there is one place that is sadly absent from this list—the financial aid office. In its glory days (last fall), this was the place to go for a sugar rush. Since then things have fallen a little by the wayside. Jennifer is off the hook here as she’s dieting, which explains her lack of leftover Halloween (or other leftover holiday) candies. But Mr. Janke has no such defense. Greg used to have a large jar filled with Jelly Belly jelly beans—really the only place at CTS where one could find chewy, sugary goodness. Unfortunately, since emptying the jar has not been refilled and a key junk food niche has remained unfulfilled at CTS. Here are the places around CTS that do have great candy jars...

5) Joan's Jolly Ranchers

Jolly Rancher fans, this is your haven. Joan always has Jolly Ranchers on hand and in large supply. The only downside is that during the registration period Joan is busy with meetings. If you’re fortunate enough to pass her office and it’s void of a student needing registration advice, feel free to dive in and dive out. Most of the year though, it’s easy come, easy go—in numerous fruity flavors.

4) Rev. Kathy Smith’s "Bowl on the Ledge" (BOL)

Rev. Smith leaves her candy bowl on the inside ledge of her window sill, just inside her door. (Yes, you must brave entering her lair for your sustenance—this is usually painless though). If you’re partial to chocolate, this is a good place to look. Whether or not the BOL is stocked is a little hit-or-miss, but if you’re looking for a snack and the bowl is empty, feel free to ask for a refill. My experiences here have only been positive.

3) The D.R.’s Mints (For those of you who don’t know, "The D.R." is a popular nickname for Professor Rylaarsdam).

Looking to cleanse your pallet? The D.R. is always good for a Lifesavers peppermint. I’d recommend eating one immediately (while giving him a hard time) and pocketing one for later. I’m also a big fan of the "Across the hall special"—Hit up Rev. Smith for some chocolate, then immediately walk over to the D.R.’s office for a mint—it’s fantastic, I tell you.

2) Amy’s jar

Amy typically stocks her candy jar with Smarties, dum-dums or other hard candy because "Chocolate is expensive"—sometimes up to $3--$4 a bag. (Just a tip: don’t point out that Amy’s jar is chocolate-less, as you will sound whiny and ungrateful.) Amy doesn’t expect everyone to stop and talk to her just because they’re having a piece of candy—which is nice. You can waste 5 minutes chatting or grab a sugar boost on the way to class and either way not feel guilty. Other big pluses of Amy’s jar? It’s ALWAYS full, you can access it on the run (to or from class) without going out of your way to get there, and finally, because it is ALWAYS full you don’t need to feel guilty about partaking of it more than once a day. "I do think her candy is a little defective" Nate Van Denend said. "I’ve been eating those Smarties for two years—I don’t feel any smarter!" Maybe the dum-dums are working.

1) Betsy Halstead’s "Bowl of Goodness"

Appropriately nicknamed "the Bog," Betsy’s candy jar is actually a full-sized fruit bowl full of mini-Snickers, Butterfingers, Baby Ruth, 100 Grand, etc.—so full that you could get your arm stuck if you’re not careful (just like a bog, get it?). That’s right, this is the mother load. Betsy’s Bog is the best combination of quality candy bars, quality chocolate and quantity. This is why Betsy’s Bog ranks #1 on this list.

How do I know of the greatness of Betsy’s Bog? I must confess, when she’s not in her office I sneak in there and steal candy bars. I thought it might seem a little desperate of me to introduce myself to her and then ask, "So…got anything to eat around here?" So I only partake of the Bog when Betsy is out of her office, running in, pocketing two to three bars, and running out all in two to three seconds—this is my confession of sin. Forgive me Betsy, and thank you for your generosity.

Well, hopefully that gets you started on satisfying your sweet-tooth cravings. Think I’ve left an important candy jar off of this? Or that it’s ordered incorrectly? Feel free to send your thoughts on the goodness of CTS candy jars to letters@kerux.org.