Stress-Busting: Setting Boundaries

Reflecting on Dr. Henry Cloud

by Allen Kleine Deters

Calvin Fine Arts Center
October 9, 2008
Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, has a unique way of connecting with people through his books, through speaking all over the country on issues ranging from healthy dating to integrity, and through consulting with Fortune 500 companies on the best leadership practices. His book Boundaries has sold over 2 million copies.

The qualifying statement for the evening was this: "Making and communicating boundaries that free you to really live." Instinctively the "it's-all-about-me" warning light flickers in my brain fearing that what I am about to hear for the next hour is support for the popular evangelical mindset of Jesus as my homeboy. However, having previously heard Cloud speak with great wisdom and discernment on the dynamics of small group ministry, I was willing to cut him some slack and to see where he would take us. I shot a quick prayer out that I would use a healthy differentiated filter but would avoid being too judgmental.

The first point Cloud made was to point out that we tend to see stress as a bad thing. Yet in reality, we were created with the capacity to deal with stress, which is merely a "demand on the system." Stress is part of dealing with life. The problem occurs when we are dealing with toxic stress, and we grow weary and broken down. Having been in ministry for many years, I knew what he was talking about. Persuaded by the fantasy that they can lead a comfortable, utopian life, people come to pastors confused as to why their lives are in turmoil. Underlying much of this false notion is the idea that all stress is bad, or at the very least that Christians shouldn't suffer like the rest of the world. In response Cloud points out that "God has called us to stress. To the degree you avoid your stress, it will become bigger." I agree that God calls us to follow him with humility in service, but I'm not sure about being called to stress. On the other hand, the second part of Cloud's statement is valid, and I would add that avoiding the obvious stresses in one's life can lead further to phobias or other pathologies. While this summation was nothing new to me, it was a good reminder to take the necessary steps of pastoral care with those who enter my office or with whom I chat over coffee or on the phone.

Good stress is that which grows us in our relationship to God and others. It's that healthy tension that is so vital to spiritual and emotional growth. Cloud believes that actively working out our stress as Christians is part of working out our salvation with fear and trembling (Php. 2:12). Because of the false notion that Christians need to act like they have it all together, "Christians can be extremely passive about the sources of those fears," says Cloud. And in oxymoronic fashion, Christians won't deal with their real issues. Is it any wonder why many of the statistics regarding broken relationships and abuse in the church almost mirror those of the world? I'm not surprised. While Christians obviously don't have to have our act completely together, it should be apparent that while troubles do assail us, we as Christians deal with our "stresses" in a much healthier way.

The second topic Cloud addressed was the necessity of boundaries. Having previously read his book Boundaries, these ideas were not new to me. I learned many years ago during my ministry the importance of boundaries for keeping my sanity, health and family together. Some might consider setting boundaries selfishly motivated. But Cloud would say that setting boundaries is an understanding of Proverbs 4:23 which says, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." Whether or not we agree with his exegetical interpretation or not, we must consider the value of healthy boundaries. It is in guarding our hearts that we protect our personhood as image-bearers of God.

The first step to setting boundaries is the realization of Romans 3:9-18 that we as fallen humanity desire to be gods ourselves rather than seek God. When we set boundaries, we realize that we can't do it all. "To think we are 'omni' anything puts us into emotional isolation," says Cloud. Within this boundary there is a realization of dependency on God. To keep this boundary, we need a great support system that keeps us accountable. I have found small groups to be an invaluable resource in this area.

One practical way to set boundaries is the use of one's "no" muscle. According to Cloud, many people learn that "yes" is good and "no" is not, believing that there is no such thing as "no" in Christian love. But the opposite is actually true and keeps a person from giving into toxic and abusive behavior or giving into good things that are not necessarily healthy for them at that time or possibly at all.

Overall, Henry had a lot of wise insights that he encouraged with. He also mentioned having to put a boundary around destructive thought patterns, taking "every thought captive." At other times we need to put a boundary around our consumerist mindset to have it all now. Obviously geared to the mainly freshman and sophomore Calvin crowd, Dr. Henry Cloud gave something for everyone to take home with them and ponder because, let's face it, we all have a little stress now and again.

For the simple scoop on boundaries, check out this article: www.cloudtownsend.com/library/articles/7articles6.php

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