A Calvin Theological Seminary Publication by Students & Alumni
Boundaries (part 3)

Boundaries (part 3)

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries “When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life”

What is Insight My Boundaries

John and Henry used the story /parable of a good Samaritan (p.36 – 37) to illustrate how we (Christians) sometimes are caught up with compassion to give to someone in need and at the end we are manipulated and end up giving more than we wanted to give. We became resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life. To avoid such scenarios, we need to understand what falls within our boundaries, what we are responsible for.

Feeling: feelings play an important role in our motivation and behavior; we shouldn’t ignore our feelings and we shouldn’t put them in charge. “Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships. They can tell you if things are going well, or if there is a problem. If you feel close and loving, things are probably going well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.” (38)

Attitudes and Beliefs: “Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others, God, life, work, and relationships. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true.” (38) We should notice that attitude and beliefs are our responsibilities because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them. (39)

Behaviors: Every of our behaviors has consequences; whatever we sow so shall we reap (Gal. 6:7-8). Therefore, we need to know that; evil plants produce evil fruits while good plants produce good fruits – be wise on what you allow to occupy your boundaries.

Choices: We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the fruit of “self-control” (Gal. 5:23). A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else. (40)

Values: What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Often we do not take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in valuing the approval of men rather than the approval of God (John 12:43); because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life. (41)

Limits: Just as God does not really set limits on people to make them behave, so also; we are not expected to set limits on people; rather, we should set limits on ourselves. “In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can’t do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.” (41)

Talents: Talents are God’s ordained responsibilities for man. Henry and John in to explore this point use the parable of the Talent in (Matt. 25:23, 26–28). “Our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking ownership of them is often frightening and always risky. The parable of the talents says that we are accountable—not to mention much happier—when we are exercising our gifts and being productive. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome the fear of failure that the “wicked and lazy” servant gave in to.” (42)

Thoughts: Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of God. Henry and John say; establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things: We must own our own thoughts, we must grow in knowledge and expand our minds, and we must clarify distorted thinking. (43) Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong.

Desires: Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different desires and wants, dreams and wishes, goals and plans, hungers and thirsts. We all want to satisfy “me.” But why are there so few satisfied “Me’s” around? Part of the problem lies in the lack of structured boundaries within our personality. We can’t define who the real “me” is and what we truly desire. (44)

Love: about love, let’s have a big cut from Henry and John:

Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that God has fashioned in his image is the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are crucial to life. Many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear. Having closed their heart to others, they feel empty and meaningless. The Bible is clear about both functions of the heart: the receiving of grace and love inward and the flow outward. Listen to how the Bible tells how we should love: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. . . Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:37, 39). And how we should receive love: “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also” (2 Cor. 6:11–13). (45-46)

13,173 Comments

  1. Really appreciate this post! I’ve recently checked out olxtoto bandar togel online, seems like it’s gaining attention for its smooth interface.Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your weblog. You have some really good posts and I feel I would be a good asset

  2. Hi there! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if
    you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment form?
    I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having problems finding
    one? Thanks a lot!

  3. Main di olxtoto itu beda! Bukan cuma gampang login, tapi juga vibe situsnya tuh asik banget. Feels like you’re in control every time you play! Penasaran kenapa banyak yang pilih olxtoto macau? Karena tampilannya simple, aman, dan result updatenya cepet. Login langsung gas tanpa drama! Suka banget sama olxtoto toto macau, apalagi pasaran Macau-nya selalu on time. Website-nya ringan dan login-nya no delay at all. Really love it! Buruan deh cobain main di olxtoto macau login sekarang.

  4. Thanks for the marvelous posting! I quite
    enjoyed reading it, you are a great author. I wjll be sure to bookmark your blog and
    will eventually come back later in life. I want to encourage continue your great posts, have a nice holiday weekend!

  5. I think everything published made a ton of sense. However, think on this,
    suppose you wrote a catchier title? I ain’t saying your
    content is not good, however suppose you added something to possibly get
    people’s attention? I mean Boundaries (part 3) – Kerux is kinda boring.

    You could peek at Yahoo’s home page and note how they create post headlines to grab people interested.
    You might add a video or a pic or two to grab readers excited about what you’ve written. Just my opinion, it would bring your posts a little livelier.

  6. Hi there! I realize this is kind of off-topic however I needed to ask.
    Does running a well-established blog such as yours require a large amount of work?
    I’m completely new to running a blog but I do write
    in my diary every day. I’d like to start a blog so I
    will be able to share my experience and thoughts online.

    Please let me know if you have any ideas or tips for brand new
    aspiring bloggers. Thankyou!

  7. Can I just say what a comfort to discover someone who truly knows what they’re talking about on the net.
    You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important.

    A lot more people need to read this and understand this side
    of your story. I can’t believe you aren’t more popular given that
    you definitely have the gift.

  8. Excellent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely magnificent.
    I actually like what you have acquired here,
    really like what you’re saying and the way in which
    you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take
    care of to keep it sensible. I cant wait to read far more from you.

    This is really a tremendous site.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *