I became a heavy internet porn user at 16. None of the internet porn I watched was free–it cost me my freedom as I enslaved myself to perverted sexual desire. The consequences of using internet porn are insidious and utterly destructive, but no one really told me about them. No one ever told me that porn could be highly addictive. No one told me that I was selling the health of my body and soul for fleeting moments of mediocre pleasure. I occasionally heard platitudes about porn damaging marriages, but I wasn’t married–I wasn’t even in a relationship.
I tried to stop using porn about one year after I started, and I couldn’t. I wasn’t concerned because I thought porn had no harmful long-term effects and that I would be able to stop when I started dating someone. The habit persisted. After another two years of using porn consistently, I joined an accountability group of Christian friends and found an accountability partner. I also told my Christian roommate and we tried to help each other quit, but I still couldn’t stop. I started seeing a Christian counselor. This helped me become more aware of myself, but it still didn’t help me quit porn. I started using an accountability computer software, but there were ways around it; I thought I would finally be able to quit when I started seminary, but I was wrong. I spent several years seriously trying to quit porn, yet wasn’t able to stop.
I experienced a lot of shame due to my inability to control my porn use. My impulsiveness scared me. When I experienced the urge to watch porn, I could drop whatever I was doing because porn consumed the entirety of my thoughts in those moments. After my first year of seminary, I decided that if I couldn’t quit using porn, I wouldn’t seek ordination in the CRC. I didn’t want to be a pastor who was secretly addicted to porn.
After my first year of seminary, I decided that if I couldn’t quit using porn, I wouldn’t seek ordination in the CRC. I didn’t want to be a pastor who was secretly addicted to porn.
But one day I stumbled across a YouTube video about the science of porn addiction and it blew my mind–it had never occurred to me that I could actually be addicted to porn. I started looking into it and discovered that thousands of young men and women on online forums were experiencing signs and symptoms of addiction associated with their porn use. I also found that current scientific research has outlined an addiction model for internet porn use which dozens of scientific studies support.
Today’s internet porn is nothing like the porn of the past. It is characterized by unending novelty. Sites are set up like YouTube with thousands of free videos and an unlimited number of genres. Why is this dangerous? Because sexual novelty is the most appealing thing to the brain’s reward circuit. Using internet porn involves constant searching and seeking, anticipation of what’s next, shock and surprise, and even anxiety, all of which elevate dopamine levels in the brain. You can control dopamine levels in your brain with a mouse or a swipe. This has only been possible since 2006, with the creation of “tube” sites and the proliferation of smartphones, tablets, and computers. Overconsumption of internet porn causes high levels of dopamine to accumulate in the brain’s reward circuit.
According to Gary Wilson, author of, “Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction,” dopamine tells your brain “…this activity is really valuable, you should do it again!” It helps you remember and repeat behavior. Wilson continues: “…with continued daily over-consumption (of internet porn), high levels of dopamine trigger the production of the protein DeltaFosB. Continued over-consumption of natural rewards… causes DeltaFosB to slowly accumulate in the reward circuitry. DeltaFosB activates certain genes which initiate several brain changes.”
In his book, “The Brain that Changes Itself,” Norman Doidge M.D. writes that “…the current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change (brain changes).” These brain changes rewire the brain to become hyper sensitive to porn and desensitized to other natural pleasures. They also contribute to the loss of impulse control, especially under stress. In short, the porn user’s brain perceives pornography as extremely stimulating, whereas comparatively everything else lacks excitement.
Fortunately, because the brain is plastic (changeable), sexual tastes and addiction-related brain changes can revert back to normal once a person quits porn. Every porn addict’s recovery is different, but withdrawal symptoms are common and are often quite severe. They can include anxiety, depression, insomnia, irritability, and mood swings. It’s so hard to quit because those who are able to abstain for a prolonged period of time will experience cravings for porn and negative withdrawal symptoms. The withdrawal symptoms increase stress, which increases cravings for porn.
Whenever I tried to quit porn, I always experienced anxiety, deep sadness, and trouble sleeping for about 40-50 days after I stopped using it. The stress of dealing with these symptoms amidst the demands of school led to relapse and a repetitive cycle of abstaining and binging. This cycle of binging and abstaining can be just as addictive as daily use. After learning about porn addiction, I finally took the steps necessary to quit. I didn’t keep any technology at home that could access the internet, constantly reached out to friends so I wasn’t isolated during my deepest moments of sadness/anxiety, used Covenant Eyes so accountability partners could monitor my internet use, and constantly prayed/had people praying for me.
Porn is addictive. This is not just a metaphor, but a truth deeply rooted in human physiology. Porn addiction is a threat to our very humanness. It saps the joy out of life and puts users into bondage, tricking our brains into thinking porn is something we need to live a fulfilled life. Porn addiction destroys true love and affection and replaces them with perverted sexual lust and cold indifference to personhood. It makes people much more impulsive and drives people toward increasingly promiscuous behavior as they seek to satisfy artificial cravings for porn that have been instilled in their brains throughout years of porn use. This danger can be especially potent for church leaders as they are often overworked, over-stressed, isolated, and in danger of burnout. If a pastor or church leader has become addicted to pornography, they will use pornography to cope with the stress of ministry–their porn use will escalate and they will experience immense shame because of it. Satan “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour,” and uses porn addiction to engage in his devouring. He is trying to dehumanize human beings by attacking the functioning of highly complex structures within their God-given bodies. Sexual sin ultimately defaces the image of God in its victims.
This danger can be especially potent for church leaders as they are often overworked, over-stressed, isolated, and in danger of burnout. If a pastor or church leader has become addicted to pornography, they will use pornography to cope with the stress of ministry–their porn use will escalate and they will experience immense shame because of it.
Thankfully, God has not left us without hope in the struggle with porn addiction. There is grace built into our brains and porn craving circuits can be re-wired by giving up porn–they can be re-wired to natural pleasures like true intimacy, bonding, love, and friendly interaction. Quitting porn often requires placing time limits on technology use, using technology away from home, finding accountability partners, using accountability software, and staying away from sites with videos and pictures that can trigger cravings for porn. Quitting porn requires sacrifice in an age when almost everyone has a smartphone and computer because it requires us to unplug; however, abstinence is possible and necessary.
My sexual sin has always been forgiven by the blood of Christ. Now, God has freed me from my addiction to porn and is healing my sexual brokenness. God’s grace is stronger than sexual sin. The Bible calls us to turn away from sexual immorality because our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. We are not our own, but belong body and soul to Jesus Christ–we were bought at the highest price, the blood of God’s only Son, and therefore we must honor God with our bodies. For eight years, I disregarded the freedom I had in Christ and put myself into bondage to sexual sin. No one told me at sixteen years old that it would be detrimental to my sexual, spiritual, and emotional health. But after eight long years, I’m finally experiencing the joy of being a sexual sinner who is both forgiven and being healed. Thanks be to God! I fervently pray that God will help us all turn away from sexual sin and toward holiness.
Jeffrey Wheatley is a 3rd Year M.Div. student seeking ordination in the CRC upon graduation.