An Engagement with Gary Chapman’s Work, Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Being In Love Is Not an Adequate Foundation For Building A Successful Marriage.

A married couple cannot survive on love alone. At first glance, love is the foundation of a happy and prosperous married life. When we focus solely on the external aspect of a marriage, we often assume that love is the glue holding it together—which is untrue!

At this point, it’s more about how you are feeling toward your spouse than it is about what you are feeling, so you can do really strange things in the name of love. Over time, studies have revealed that the typical duration of an obsession with being “in love” is only approximately two years. After that, the discrepancy is obvious to both parties, and they start to wonder if they made the right choice in marrying. Being in love is not a sufficient basis on which to build a happy marriage. Chapman frequently poses this query to prospective spouses: “What makes you want to get married?” And they frequently respond with essentially the same response: “Because we love each other.” They feel that is a good enough reason to get married. Some often talk about the deep feelings that they have for each other, and as such, they don’t see the need for counseling.

We should look beyond the feeling we get every time we are together or think about each other. Chapman points out some factors to consider that would, to a large extent, determine the success of marriages. These are spiritual, social, and intellectual. How mutually related are we? How about value systems and our individual goals in life?

Love is an intensely emotional and compulsive experience, and these feelings come and go. When they do, we acknowledge the truth, and our differences show. But will we be in a position to make an informed choice about whether or not to get married after taking into account Chapman’s above-mentioned points?

Romantic Love Has Two Stages

Chapman identifies two stages of love in this chapter. The initial phase is when everything is easy in the relationship and our spouse seems to be doing everything right. We often invest a great deal of energy in caring for one another without considering the expense or sacrifice. This phase is often referred to as “falling in love.” On the other hand, Chapman claims that this kind of love typically lasts up to two years, as mentioned in Chapter 1. We also tend to lose focus during this time because it is hard to focus on anything else. Everything else is irrelevant when we are in love because our entire attention is on each other and making each other happy.

Even though the second stage of love is more deliberate, maintaining emotional love needs effort. Chapman learned early in his career as a marriage counselor that what makes one person feel loved does not always make another feel the same way. Additionally, as a couple moves from stage one to stage two, they frequently miss one another and give a variety of excuses for their feelings. After investigating these complaints, Chapman found that couples typically voice their complaints for five main reasons. Subsequently, he dubbed the five love languages the key to enduring love. In addition to teaching couples how to successfully express their love, these love languages have assisted couples in moving from stage one to stage two. The following are the five languages of love:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Acts of Service

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Quality Time

5. Physical Touch

Chapman also discusses three approaches to help discover our primary love language.

1. How do we express love and appreciation to other people?

2. What do we complain about?

3. What do we request most often?

Keeping romantic love alive in marriage requires making a successful transition from stage one to stage two. Learning each other’s primary love language while dating will make the transition much easier.

The Sayings ‘Like Mother Like Daughter” And “Like Father Like Son” Is Not A Myth.

Chapman advises against expecting your spouse to be exactly like their parents, although parents significantly influence their children. A son or daughter can inherit favorable or negative traits from their mother or father. But in the case of parents who exhibit negative traits, if the child in question does not take proactive measures to comprehend these traits and what has to be done to break the negative pattern, the child will most likely end up like his or her parents.

However, this does not imply that a daughter will always act in the same manner as her mother when it comes to reactions. Indeed, there is influence, but it does not guarantee that it will always be the case.


Marriage is a significant thing in the life of young people, it needs to be taken seriously. Do everything you can to settle issues and talk through all of life before you get married, so that you’re going in on the same page, and you’re less likely to have a life filled with conflicts. I will also advise that you read Chapman’s books, Five Love Languages and Things I wish I’d Known Before we get Married. They are easy to read books and would be very helpful for intending couples.


Martin H. Kamaidan


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